Funniest Cat on Twitter Shares Secrets to a Good Life

Cat Food Breath looking adorable.

Cat Food Breath is a 17 pound Siamese cat with a sushi habit. Cat Food Breath is also the toast of Twitter. However if you were unaware, this confident kitty will tell you. Cat Food Breath loves the limelight and flattery is always welcome.

Cat Food Breath has a quick wit and is a poet at heart, a specialty is haiku.

In addition, the busy feline is counselor to the cats on Twitter. Cat Food Breath has plenty of advice and cats would do well to heed it:

 “Purr More. Shed More.” 

and... 

“Cats, if you're not receiving enough attention, try knocking over expensive things...” 

You can follow Cat Food Breath on Twitter: @CatFoodBreath
And on Facebook: Cat Food Breath

I am happy to chat with Cat Food Breath. In exchange for this interview, I promised I would arrange a sushi delivery to the esteemed kitty. And believe me, Cat Food Breath won’t forget.

Cat Food Breath I am so pleased to speak with you.
Thanks. Excuse me if I look tired today... I only got 20 hours of sleep yesterday.

You are quite famous on Twitter. 
I was online one day, trying to sell the dog on eBay, and I stumbled across Twitter. I was intrigued by the logo, and signed up. I admit I first thought the site might be about bird snacks, but I enjoy the attention from my followers. I am a polydactyl cat, so I have exceptional keyboard skills.

One of Cat Food Breath's many talents

I’m a big fan.
And I’m a big cat.

Tell me a little about yourself.
I’m adorable. What more does anyone need to know? I’m a Siamese, which means I am talkative, intelligent, extroverted, brave, funny, clever, and good at math.

Where do you live?
I have a nice house. It has three levels, a sun porch, and a big bay window that overlooks some bird feeders. There are lots of couches and comfy chairs. I’ve added a few homey touches to make the place my own, such as decorative piles of fur, artfully placed nose prints, and some claw marks.

What’s a typical day like for you?
Sleep, nap, eat, nap, wash, nap, snack, sleep, push a few things off the table, nap, lunch, shed, sleep, get the dog in trouble, snack, nap, sleep, purr.

You have an interesting name!
T.S. Eliot was correct when he wrote about a cat having three distinct names. Of course, I can’t tell you my true cat name, since you are a human.

One of my humans makes up all kinds of nicknames for me. They’re supposed to be “cute,” but they aren’t. Cat Food Breath was a nickname that stuck.

Reenactment: Not Cat Food Breath

What are some of your hobbies?
Breaking things.

You told me once that everyone always wants to know your secrets for staying so cute and adorable. I’m dying to know. Will you spill the beans? Cough it up!
“Cough it up” is not meant to be a pun about hair balls, is it?

Please understand that for the same reason that Google doesn’t like to explain how its algorithm works, I can’t give away all of my secrets. Here are the basics:

• Aim for 18 hours of sleep a day, not including naps. 
• Whenever possible, nap in the sunshine.
• Omega-3 fish oils (found in sushi-grade salmon) are good for fur.
• Sushi-grade salmon is good for the tummy.
• Purring is good for the soul.

What do you have to say about your humans?
Thing One and Thing Two? They’re okay.

Thing One is really pretty cool. Thing One stays in my house a good deal of the time, in order to provide me with a lap and tend to my other needs. Thing One eats a lot of good things like tuna, chicken, and string cheese, and never fails to share when given a firm swipe with a paw.

Thing Two spends a lot of time on the other side of the garage door, which is just as well. Thing Two is a vegetarian. “Vegetarian,” as you probably know, is derived from the Latin roots “ve” (very), “geta” (useless) and “ri” (ridiculous). There’s just no point to tofu. Thing Two is more likely to forget I have had dinner and open a second can of cat food, which is very nice.

Thing One and Thing Two could both be better in the Feeding-the-Cat and Rubbing-the-Tummy departments, but, really, most humans could improve on these skills. I know they do a lot for me, go out of their way for me, and do whatever they can to make me happy and I just wanted to say... I'm worth it.

Are you a lovable cat?
What’s not to love? How do I love me? Let me count the ways…

A favorite food of Cat Food Breath

What foods do you enjoy?
Sushi. Choice morsels swiped from dinner plates. Expensive things from small cans.

Have you ever dieted?
Once I went several hours without food. Does that count?

On Twitter you mentioned your exercise program. Could you share? 
I have several components to my exercise program. One piece involves aerobic napping. Whenever possible, I nap in front of the TV when exercise programs are being shown. Between naps, I do a full set of body rearranging and stretching. I am amenable to being carried everywhere, to encourage movement and adding steps to my daily total.

How admirable that you have a job as counselor to the cats.
Give a cat a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a cat to fish and he'll still wake you up at 5 a.m. for breakfast.

Cat Food Breath recommends
high thread-count sheets

Do you have some words of advice for cats reading this interview?
Never underestimate the power of looking cute. Your lives are too short to nap on low thread-count sheets. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried. Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cat food.

Do you have any bad habits?
No, I am a perfect kitty. I’m not at all finicky, although I don’t understand why it’s so difficult for Thing One and Thing Two to remember that tuna should be served from the small blue bowl, and crunchy items should be in the red one. And, really, the things that came off the shelves look much better on the floor. Those sweaters with the holes were never flattering anyway. Plants were meant to be chewed on. I have no idea why the words “no, no, bad kitty” are uttered so frequently in my house.

You don’t have a very high opinion of dogs: For example, your tweet: Q: Why are there no dumb cat jokes? A: Because dogs would have to think them up.
Dogs are like idiot savants without the “savant” part. Our dog is a gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. I just don’t get why anyone would choose to have a dog. Honestly, tofu makes more sense than a dog.

How do you feel about living with a dog?
The benefit of living with such a dumb creature is that I can use my superior intellect to blame the dog for many of my antics. I always say, don’t do the crime if you can’t frame the dog.

The horror!

Do you have any fears?
Rocking chairs. A catnip shortage.

What makes you purr?
Getting my way.

Is it presumptuous to ask if you might honor us with a haiku?
Careers For Your Cat/ The best book ever written/ Perfect size for naps.

Thank you for the haiku and for the plug, um... I think. What really ticks you off?
Dogs. Tofu. Dogs with tofu. Closed doors. Late dinner service. Lack of attention. Lack of tuna fish. Lack of snuggles.  

Any luxury item you crave?

Cat Food Breath craves catnip by
the bale.

I’ve been working on the details of ordering food and necessities online, but I don’t have a credit card or Paypal account. I’d really like to be able to order pizza… triple anchovies, extra cheese, hold the crust and sauce. I also know of a place that ships catnip by the bale.

Is there any thing you want to add that I didn’t ask?
If you are a cat owner, go feed your cat. Life is what you make it, so make it all about your cat. Cats understand what "no" means, they just don't care.

If you are a cat, you already know everything.

Any last words...
Always remember, things go better with cat fur.

Thank you for your time!
And thank you for the sushi. I’d like tuna and salmon rolls, in the sushi boat size meant to serve 16-20 people.

Planned shipment of sushi rolls to Cat Food Breath

If you liked this story, check out: Meet Midnight The Trucker Cat


photo credits:
Cat Food Breath: property of Cat Food Breath by Thing One
blackboard: Marvin (PA)/ http://www.flickr.com/photos/mscolly/145052885/
broken bowl: effika/ http://www.flickr.com/photos/effika/2906305154/
sushi on board: ulterior epicure/ http://www.flickr.com/photos/ulteriorepicure/177647160/in/photostream/
sheets: rmaspero/ http://www.flickr.com/photos/rmaspero/3288991824/sizes/l/
rocking chair: Hugo First/ http://www.flickr.com/photos/hugofirst1980/5459473095/sizes/l/
catnip: mira d'oubiette/ http://www.flickr.com/photos/oubliette/14974782/sizes/l/
sushi rolls: mobob/ http://www.flickr.com/photos/mobob/316007707/sizes/o/